Are you OK? You need some (vegan) candy, whoever? She just plays like that so she can get that (vegan) candy. Why are you laughing now? (Because everybody’s got a cough.) Oh. Too bad, too bad. Too bad. No more (vegan) candies. I mean, no more of that kind of (vegan) candy. Oh, yeah, there’s some. You want some? (No.) You want one? (No.) In any case, not enough for everybody. So, might as well give up. (Yes.)
At the lecture series, a very poor speaker was on the platform. As he was speaking, people in the audience began to get up and leave. After about ten minutes, there was only one man left. Finally, the man stopped speaking and asked the man why he remained to the end. He said, “I’m the next speaker.” I think I told that joke already somewhere. (Yes.) But it’s nice to laugh. (Yes.)
Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17 for example, a child might see his parents age 20 years during this time. Too stressed. The period of changes, but only the parents change. They age so fast during that period. It’s OK, I don’t need it. I think the “frog” loves to stay there. Just keep it there.
A father said to his daughter, “What’s wrong, Judy? Usually, you talk on the phone for hours on end, but this time you only talked for half an hour. How come?” She said, “It was a wrong number.” Wrong number, but can still talk for half an hour. This is really something cute. I can’t believe somebody thinks like this. It’s really cute.
“All the kids make fun of me,” the boy cried to his mother, “They say I have a big head.” The mother consoled him, “Don’t listen to them. You have a beautiful store for ten pounds of potatoes.” So, the kid said, “Where’s the shopping bag?” Mother said, “I haven’t got one. Use your head.” Big head.
A father said to his son, “Well, son, what did you learn in school today?” Son, “I learned to say ‘Yes, sir,’ and ‘No, sir,’ ‘Yes, ma’am,’ and ‘No, ma’am.’” So the father said, “Oh, really?” And the son said, “Yep.” Yes sir, no sir. Yep sir. Yep, yep.
Liza said to her father, “Dad, the girl who sits next to me in the class has a dress just like mine.” So, Daddy said, “So you want a new dress?” So, Liza said, “Well, it would be cheaper than changing colleges.” It’s bribery. It’s a coercion.
A mother said firmly, “If you two boys can’t agree and be quiet I shall take your (vegan) pie away.” Because they were fighting over the (vegan) pie. So, the younger one replied, “But mother, we do agree. Bill wants the biggest piece, and so do I.” They both agree on the same thing.
Billie said, “Will I get everything I pray for, Mama?” So, mother said, “Everything that’s good for you, dear.” So, Billie said, “Oh, what’s the use then? I get that anyway already.” The mother always says, “This is good for you, that’s good for you,” already. He wants something else.
Johnny worked in a big office in the city, and he used to go to the barbers during working hours to have his hair cut, although this was against the rules. The clerks have to have their hair cut in their own time. Not during office hours. It’s against the rules. So he went out to get a haircut during office hours; that’s against the rules. So while Johnny was at the barber’s one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut. Johnny saw him and tried to hide his face, but the manager recognized him anyway. “Ah, Johnny, hallo. I see that you are having your haircut during office time.” So Johnny said, “Yes, sir, I am. You see, sir, it grows during office time.” So, the manager said, “Well, not all of it. Maybe some, but not all of it. Some of it grows in your own time. No?” So, Johnny said, “Yes, sir, but I am having only some of it cut off.” Not all of it. Just trim it. Wow, very smart.
A little boy said to their departing relative, “There’s no hurry, Auntie. Daddy has put the clock a whole hour ahead.” Capiche? (Yes.) You’re not welcome here. Children, they tell you everything.
Once... Oh, this is similar. Once, a learned man was crossing a river wishing to enjoy himself, he began to talk to a boatman. “Do you know mathematics?” he asked. “No, sir,” replied the boatman. “Then you have lost one quarter of your life,” said the learned man. Then he continued, “Do you know history?” “No, sir,” answered the boatman. And then the scholar said again, “Then you have lost half of your life.” And then he asked again, “Do you know philosophy?” The boatman said, “I don’t know that either, sir.” Then the scholar said, “Then you have lost three-quarters of your life.” Just then, a sudden wind turned the boat upside down. And the boatman asked the customer, “Do you know how to swim, sir?” He said, “No.” Replied the great learned man. Then the boatman said, “Then you have lost your whole life.”
What is important. Most people, they put great emphasis on a lot of learning, which is not useful at all. I don’t dare say anything, but if you ask me for a list, it is a forever list. I will never finish writing it, all these useless subjects that people put a great emphasis of importance on.
A son asks his father, “What are weapons?” The father says, “Why, son, that’s something you fight with.” So, the son says, “Is mother your weapon?” Fighting all the time. It’s logical. No?
A father said, “Don’t you think our son gets all his brains from me?” So, the mother said, “Probably. I still have all mine.” Oh, you guys are enjoying this so much.
While Johnny waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a prediction. So, he dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed something like this: “You are married, and you are on your way to San Diego.” Ah, that’s cool. Johnny was very amazed and very, very impressed with the accuracy of this computer prediction. So, he just stood there. There was another man coming next to him and put a quarter in the computer, and then the computer read out on the screen: “You weighed 120 pounds. You are divorced, and you are on the way to Chicago.” So, Johnny said to the man, “Are you divorced and on your way to Chicago?” “Yes,” the man replied. Wow, he was more amazed. So, he rushed to the men’s room, changed his clothes, and put on dark glasses. So, he went to the machine again to see if the machine could read him. And the computer read like this: “You still weigh 125 pounds. You are still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego.”
It’s so funny, huh? I see they enjoy it so much. Enjoy so much, the women from the left. Wow, is it so funny? I’m glad you enjoy it. That means you are loosened up. You are not uptight, and you are not constipated. Laughter is a good medicine. (Yes.)
Photo Caption: “GOD Makes Nature Beautiful in All Size and Shape, Please Help Keep Them So”
